Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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