someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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