we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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