It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
