things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
