I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
