16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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