Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
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