I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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