we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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