I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Randomize
