I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
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