I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
