tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
