No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
