I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
