Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
