I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
