he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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