You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
