It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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