you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
