before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i dont even know how to be here
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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