im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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