I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Randomize
