In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
