The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Randomize
