I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
You took a bar mat shot.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Randomize
