The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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