i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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