Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
