I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
my being single is dangerous.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
