dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
