Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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