Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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