my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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