CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
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