This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
