Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
