she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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