So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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