So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
