I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
