its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
