my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I had to cum in my sink.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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