I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
you traded sex for a burrito?
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
