just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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