The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
