see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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