$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
