I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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