I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
