Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
