You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
