im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
The best revenge is premature balding
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
