I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Sacagawea was the original milf.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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