she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Randomize
