Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
