singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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